The year was 1984, and I was a 14-year-old navigating teenage life in the heart of Texas, specifically Dallas. I was also navigating my own heart and its desires. I had been grappling with being gay for years, which was a beacon for and a daily test of my resilience against bullies who seemed to relish tormenting me. The question of how to handle these bullies divided my parents: my dad advocated self-defense, while my mom often wondered if I had somehow provoked their cruelty. To be fair, my razor-sharp humor and caustic tongue were my secret weapons – I couldn’t fight with my fists, but my words could land a knockout blow. The bullies knew I was different, and they made sure everyone in school did too.
The Creative Spark
That summer, my life took an unexpected turn. My mom enrolled me in a creative writing class at the local community college, an attempt to keep me busy during the summer. While other kids were out playing, I was secretly engrossed in my mom’s hidden stash of romance novels with titles like “Sweet Savage Love” and “Love’s Bold Journey.” These steamy novels, filled with lustful scenes and tantalizing prose, became my unlikely source of inspiration and daily day-dream fantasy. I had a knack for that too.
In the creative writing class, we were tasked with crafting intricate novel ideas, and I was genuinely inspired. Most of my summer had been consumed by these trashy novels, and I decided to adapt their themes and characters into my own tale. Of course, casting myself as the dashing male lead. My biggest failure, not changing the names of the innocent, or in this case not-so-innocent popular kids.
The Cafeteria Showdown
One fateful day, the cafeteria became the stage for my worst nightmare. Rachel, the gossip queen, discovered my notebook titled “Summer’s Love Sting” and waved it with glee. I had completely forgotten about it in my backpack. As I turned around, expecting someone else to be the target, I realized the entire cafeteria had its eyes locked onto me. Jamie, the female head cheerleader delivered the first blow with a slap so intense that it could rival any dramatic movie scene. Accusations and insults rained down on me, creating a whirlwind of humiliation. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Jamey, the male cheerleader, delivered a punch to my gut. Yes, it was not lost on me that both cheerleaders were basically the same name. The cafeteria erupted in applause, and I became the star of my own tragic comedy complete with the football players dumping me upside down in the trash can.
The Turning Point
The torment didn’t stop there. I endured a particularly unrelenting beating from my regular bullies that afternoon. However, as I faced my bruised reflection in my bedroom mirror, something inside me snapped. Through tears and a quivering voice, I began repeating to myself, “I am not an abomination! I am not a mistake!” I could have cowered. Could have crumbled deep inside my own shame and self-doubt. Could have shoved it all down as far as it would go and hide from the world. But instead, this was the moment when I decided to embrace my truth, no matter the cost. I figured if I was going to pay the price then I would be me as boldly as possible. I vowed never to compromise who I was meant to be.
Transformation
In the sunlit room of my teenage bedroom, a transformation began that afternoon. I chose to live authentically and unapologetically. I realized that I could no longer endure the weight of a lie. I could not imagine a life where everyone that claimed to be my friend, or to love me did so befriending or loving a lie. That moment marked the beginning of a journey toward self-discovery, self-acceptance, and resilience.
Anti-Bullying Awareness Month
During National Anti-Bullying Awareness Month, my story serves as a testament to the importance of standing up against bullying and embracing our authentic selves. Let’s inspire change together, ensuring that no one has to endure the pain of bullying in silence. We must remember that we all have the power to be fearless in the face of adversity.
If you’re interested in discovering more about becoming fearless and using our fears to find authenticity, I encourage you to listen to the Fearless Road Podcast. It sheds light on the incredible journey of embracing who we truly are.
PS. I changed the names of the “not-so-innocent” Duh! I leanred that lesson the hard way!
PPS. Things did get better though…
PPPS. A lot better…
